Indescribable
Yesterday Ry and I attended the funeral of the 23 year old son of a co-worker. He had been crossing the street in a crosswalk with friends and family and was hit by a car. He was flown via air ambulance to a trauma centre and passed away there surrounded by his family. He was happy, in university persuing a degree in physics, had a beautiful girlfriend, a job. He had dreams of having a large family of his own one day. Of a great career. What more could a mother ask?
His 4 siblings and his mother and father all spoke at his funeral. It was standing room only and people were packed in right to the doors. The overflow, lobby and hallways were full. There was not a dry eye in the house. His family all read him letters that they had written to him. His father closed with “and as I signed every card I ever wrote you, your one and only Daddy.” That’s when I lost it. His mother thanked God for the privilege of being his caregiver for 23 1/2 years. As I stood at the back of the funeral home holding Ry in his carrier, swaying and bouncing, kissing his head, looking into his beautiful loving eyes, I could only cry. Cry for the parents who raised this wonderful young man and lost him. Cry for the mother who, for 23 1/2 years felt the amazing and indescribable love that I have only experienced for 4 months. Selfishly, cry out of fear that my baby will grow up and one day be hurt. I know it will happen. I hope it’s closer to a scraped knee than a car accident.
I worry. I inherited it. My mom worries. My grandma worries. I wonder if I will ever have a day in my life that I don’t spend time worrying about the people I love. Is it simply the fate of a mother? Am I wasting my time when it’s all in the hands of God or the universe or however you want to think of it? I enjoy my life immensely. I may enjoy it even more if I didn’t worry, but I can’t help it. It’s not debilitating, but it does go overboard at times when I dream of the horrible things that might have happened when someone is late or not answering the phone.
As I type this, I realize that this post doesn’t even come close to describing how I felt or, more importantly, how this family felt yesterday. I can’t put it into words. Someone more talented at writing than myself may be able to, but I have my doubts.
I do know this. You have no idea how much your mother loves you until you become one yourself. I would endure any pain or torture to save Ry from it. Without a thought. Gladly. With privilege. It wouldn’t matter what it was, how much it hurt. For him, anything. Even while pregnant I loved him immensely, but it was nothing compared to the feeling that came over me when I held him in my arms. It grows more powerful every day.
How do you describe the love of a mother?
Eternal. Physical. Overwhelming. Soul-deep. Heartbreaking. Ageless. Timeless. Undying. Passionate.
None of those words do it justice.
How do you describe the love of a mother?
I would love to hear it. If you don’t feel comfortable commenting, email me and I will compile them all anonymously into a future post. One word or an essay, it doesn’t matter. I want to know.
How do you describe the love of a mother?
(I later was informed that this post somewhat fits with a request by Her Bad Mother to write about mother love so it will be submitted there to continue it’s journey.)
August 18th, 2006 at 12:40 pm
Good bless that family and I pray that God watches over them and YOU! Unfortunately I cannot discribe the love of a mother because I, myself, have not become one yet. But I will get back to you on that one!
Very beautiful post and I hope that you never EVER have to go through the pain of loosing a child! I hope all it ever is is a scraped knee or a little “OOWIE” that only momma can kiss better! Have a great day & weekend, hun!
August 18th, 2006 at 2:52 pm
Oh my goodness, what a terrible tragedy for that family! I can’t even begin to imagine what they are going through…how absolutely heartbreaking. I will keep them in my prayers.
You’re not the only one who worries - believe me! Sometimes it does become all-consuming. Sometimes as I fall asleep at night I dream of something happening to Kayla (awful way to fall asleep I know!) and then just the thought of coming home to an empty house and going to a funeral…the tears start to roll down my face just thinking about it.
I think all the words you used describe it completely.
August 18th, 2006 at 3:41 pm
I don’t know if it’s because I am TTC right now or just so darn hormonal or what …
But your posts lately have just been bringing me to tears! You have a great way with words… and as far as describing my love for Julia, well, I couldn’t have done a better job than you did with that fabulous post. You go girl!
August 18th, 2006 at 8:13 pm
It braught me to tears as well, as I know what it is like to loose someone so close to the family, how absolutely heart breaking! I will keep them in my prayers as well!
August 18th, 2006 at 8:22 pm
That’s so sad. I realized once I was a mom that because of my love for my child, I’d never be the same again. Sometimes, that thought is overwhelming.
August 18th, 2006 at 10:01 pm
My mother in law told us about this tragedy when she arrived. It is so hard to imagine. I cried when I read your post, totally feeling it to not even being there!!
August 19th, 2006 at 8:34 am
Stephanie: Thanks. I hope so too. It’s a worry - I can’t help it.
Michelle - I’m glad I’m not the only one!
Maggie - Thanks! How flattering. I usually don’t think of myself as a good writer…justa good editor because I’m anal about spelling and grammar! Good luck with TTC, and have fun!
Suburban Turmoil: So true, so true.
Chelle: It is absolutely unimaginable. I couldn’t do anything but cry. There are no words.
August 19th, 2006 at 8:48 am
I hope you are having a great weekend so far!
August 19th, 2006 at 2:57 pm
How heartbreaking….I was nearly crying as I read it.
Pleas come and read my latest post..it is all about motherlove, then link to Her Bad Mother, from there you can link over to some beautiful writings about love…
August 19th, 2006 at 5:44 pm
I bawled my eyes out. I am so sorry to hear about your friend, and my heart breaks for his family.
You’re right, I had no idea how much my mother loved me until I became a mom. My heart aches with the love for my children. No, a mother never stops worrying; my mom still worries when I’m on the road, and paces the floor till I call her and let her know I’m safe.
August 24th, 2006 at 7:24 pm
You’re so right. You don’t know. My post - my contribution to my own round-up on the challenge of writing love - will be about exactly this.
September 14th, 2006 at 7:30 am
Oh man, now I am really really crying. Pregnant women shouldn’t read this!
I can’t wait to meet this baby, because I imagine that I’ll feel the same way. I love him or her already, but it’ll be nothing compared to what I feel once I’ve met him or her.