Self-Sufficiency - Let’s open up a can of worms, shall we?
As a prelude to my little bit of assvice, I give you Miz. S’s take on the topic:
Speaking of work, kids, and mommy-ing: I would like to express my opinion about the whole SAHM vs working mom thing. My basic philosophy is that people should do what works best for their family and everyone else should mind their own goddamned business.
But as I look around me at the people I know who are a) going through a divorce or b) OUGHT to be going through a divorce, I am more and more convinced that the woman who stays home with her kids for years and years puts herself in a perilous financial position. None of us expect to get divorced, at least not in the heady, early years of marriage, but it happens. Other bad stuff can happen too. You just can’t predict what your financial situation might be.
So go back to school, take classes, learn new stuff. Be able to support yourself if you are suddenly on your own at the age of 50. Either that, or have a KILLER pre-nup and/or AWESOME insurance.
And while I’m in the advice-giving mood? I know that summer is almost over, but some of you all will be at the pool between now and Labor Day, and I would like you to do something VERY IMPORTANT before you go there.
Put on your bathing suit. Look at yourself carefully in the mirror. IS ANY HAIR SHOWING? If so, please go get a bikini wax or make liberal use of a razor.
I have spoken.
I included a little more of her post than I needed to because guys? She’s funny!
On with the stay-at-home vs. working mom philosophy. My personal opinion on it anyway. (Notice I said personal opinion? That means you can’t tell me I’m wrong. It’s an opinion, people! Feel free to discuss in comments, however, and share your own opinions on the matter. I love me a good animated discussion.)
*Staying home with your kids is extremely valuable for their development.
*Having a quality babysitter/nanny/dayhome is also extremely valuable for their development.
*Quality time spent with your children is more valuable than quantity time.
*Having no pension or retirement plan when your kids grow up is not valuable. Not valuable at all.
*Having no medical benefits that come with working is not valuable. Not valuable at all.
*Having no sense of security and independence is not valuable. Not valuable at all.
We can afford for me not to work. It would be tight, but we’d certainly be fine. The BG has great benefits too. We both know how valuable our time with the boy is. I am taking a minimum of his first year off of work. The BG may be able to take some time with him after that. By the time he’s 18 months, we’ll both be back to working full time. He’ll be at a babysitter about a block from my workplace, playing, learning and being a kid. He’ll be the only full-time child there. Her youngest is in kindergarten half time this year. She also takes some kids for subsitute teachers and some lunch/after school kids. Bottom line on the babysitter thing - the boy will have lots of chance to socialize but also lots of one to one attention. He won’t be going to school with what we teachers call “daycare-itis” referring to kids who grow up in daycares so have learned that you have to raise your voice and/or misbehave to get attention. But? The thought of him being with someone else all day still makes me want to throw up. (Mom and Dad, are you sure you don’t want to move here? We pay well!)
Where am I going with this? Hmm. I’m not sure. Oh wait. I remember!
If I were to stay at home living on the BG’s salary and benefits, which is more than enough to take care of our family, and he were to, say,
a. leave us (which he would never do, but things happen that you have to plan for - you know, midlife crisis/mental illness and stuff)
b. die
c. become terminally ill or permanently disabled
d. some other really shitty thing that I can’t think of right now
we’d be royally screwed. Sure, I could get a job at that time. I’d be out several years of pensionable service, would be too expensive to get my current contract back and would be seriously out of the professional loop. But I could work in retail, I guess.
As it stands now, our then-toddler will have wonderful care for 7.5 hours/day Monday - Thursday and 4 hours on Friday and be with us the rest of the time. He will have parents who can afford to put him in whatever activites he chooses (which, to me, is minor compared to the rest), who can both afford to be independent should something happen to the other and who love each other and him deeply enough to have thought far enough into the future to ensure the well-being of our whole family - no matter what. We can never get these years back - these years with our amazing son, these years together and these years planning for our future. We’ll never work evenings, never work weekends and have all holidays home with him. I have a week at Easter, a week at Christmas and 7 weeks in the summer. The BG has 4-6 weeks whenever he wants it, plus 3-4 days a month in lieu of flex time when the boy can stay home with him on a weekday. Those times, and our evenings, our mornings, our lunch breaks together, our middle of the night cuddles…those times will be wonderful, quality times that we will never take for granted.
I have seen way too many people, mostly women, left helpless when left alone - by whatever means - because they didn’t plan ahead. I’m not saying all moms should work. I’m saying all moms should evaluate their situation. Think hard.
Is there any way I’d ever stay home with kids indefinitely? Sure! As soon as we win a very large lottery and have our complete retirement savings, no debt, kids education paid… I’m there~and there’s nowhere I’d rather be. Unfortunately, because that is unlikely, I have no choice but to be responsible. We’re still buying the occasional ticket. Just in case.
If you are left alone tomorrow, are you ready?
September 18th, 2006 at 3:21 pm
Great topic of discussion! I agree that each family situation is different and a mom has to do what works for her family and what she’s comfortable with; I also agree there needs to be a back-up plan in case the unthinkable does happen.
I’ve actually been divorced before and when I moved out of the house I was able to get my own apartment. I supported myself (granted I didn’t have any kids to take care of at the time) but I know that I’ve done it before and am fairly confident I could do it again.
I’m lucky that we were able to put my paychecks into savings (when I was working and leading up to Kayla’s birth) and I’m lucky I can afford to stay at home now.
I’ll probably enter the workforce again at some point, just don’t know when!
September 18th, 2006 at 3:31 pm
I, unfortunatley don’t work.. but I am going to school. Jeff and I have decided that I am going to be a stay at home mom when we do have kids and I kind of am that now, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have or get to plan for the future.. we are planning well and are getting ready for things that could possibly lie ahead. I am taking college classes now and plan on using them once I am done with college. You can never plan too far ahead!! NICELY SAID MOMMA!
September 18th, 2006 at 4:20 pm
Staying at home was always very important to me. We lived within our means and budgeted accordingly. My oldest is a teenager now … those years went by very quickly. I’m glad that I was there for him and for my daughter. Plus, I got a lot out of it too. My husband and often talk about how we made the right decision for our family.
I think that we as women need to support each other which ever choice we decide to make. I think I was a better mom for staying at home. My best friend worked outside of the home and she was a better mom for that — she loved her job and was able to be very flexible within it. My children are wonderful, well-adjusted, happy, healthy and close with us. Her daughter is also well adjusted, happy, healthy and close with her parents. So whatever you decide to do, is the right choice.
September 18th, 2006 at 4:59 pm
Definately, you should definately have a back up plan if something unexpected arises. I learned lesson st an early age when my father was killed. My mother was a SAHM, and fortunately, both she and my father had the sense to be well-prepared in case something happened.
Your opinion was very well said.
September 18th, 2006 at 6:57 pm
You are a smart group of ladies! Thanks for contributing - let’s keep it going…
(Jenny - want to quit your brand new great job and look after Rylan?)
September 19th, 2006 at 8:26 am
J & I decided before we had children that I would stay at home with them. We did not allow ourselves to go into debt before or now. We do live without a few things, like two cars (he walks to work, environmentally kind too!)
I am proud of our decision. I am not worried about the future, because I refuse to base the decisions I make for my family today on what ifs in the future. If (God forbid) something happened to J today, we have a back up plan of course. We have life insurance, we both have wills. I am an educated, strong woman and to make a decision that would impact my children forever on the basis that I would not be able to take care of them and myself is really insulting to me.
I totally respect and I am in awe of working moms. They balance so much and for that I will always admire them. I totally get when a woman has an amazing career that she adores that she wants to return to it. w00t!
For me, I have other interests. I want to be on the PTA, maybe run for school board. I want to volunteer in the classroom, I want the kids around my kids to have a safe place to go after school. My impact will be socially around my husband and his career and my kids. Then I will have my knitting groups and surround myself with a community for things that I am interested in. I always wanted to change the world. Grand plans as a kid, however by me staying at home with my kids that is what I will do, in a small way.
I am ready for anything and look at life with the glass half full …
September 19th, 2006 at 8:50 am
I had to respond to that one. I think that women should be given the choice between going to work and staying at home with their kids. In the US it’s worse than in Canada — at least we get a year off here, mandatory. I am among the lucky ones, with getting 93% of my gross salary (I work for the fed govt). Anyhow, older female members of my family have been asking if I was going to stay home, they just assume that I would (like they did). I made the decision to go back to work when my maternity leave is up. Luckily, my in-laws have volunteered to baby sit my son for at least a couple of days. I want to send him to daycare one day a week, just so that he has social interaction with other children and that he learns independence. I think that’s very important. On the other hand, I know my heart will break the day I go home, because I cherish every minute I spend with my little guy! If I could afford it, I would definitely stay at home with him… but I can’t. We don’t have a lavish lifestyle, but we want to make sure that we give him everything he needs — including a good education. And we need both our incomes for that.
September 21st, 2006 at 10:58 am
There is no doubt that every family has the right to choose whatever works for them best. I’m studying full-time and working part-time. I’m lucky to have a flexible schedule so that I can minimize the time away from my son. So far my husband and I have been able to share caring for him, but sooner or later we’ll have to think about daycare. I’m overwhelmed and tired sometimes but I don’t see myself dropping everything and becoming a SAHM because
a) my work and studies are very important for me as a person;
b) I want my son to see his mommy as an independent and educated individual and follow my example (as well as his dad’s example);
c) it would be hard to live on just my husband’s salary;
d) caring for a child 24×7 would just make me crazy;
e) with all the technological advances and stuff one doesn’t need to stay at home to keep a household and care for a child;
f) I don’t think that women’s role is to be around their husbands and kids.
Well, I could go on and on with my reasons, but these are just my reasons that work for me. It’s was very interesting to read other people’s reasons. This is a great discussion because there is no mention of “mommy wars” or anything like that whatsoever.
October 7th, 2006 at 10:32 pm
[...] Much More Than a Mom gives her take on Self-Sufficiency – Let’s open up a can of worms, shall we?, where advice is given to mothers to plan ahead. For you’ll never know what’s gonna happen to you. [...]