Heartache
I just got back from taking the to meet his future babysitter.
I contacted her in a panic when I was three months pregnant and freaking out about leaving my precious little fetus. She was recommended by a friend who’s child I was teaching at the time, and later was also recommended by two of our substitute teachers who leave their children there a few days a week. Let me give you some examples of comments I received from the people who recommended her:
~I drive across town to leave my kids there because I don’t trust anyone else.
~She’s so great with the kids.
~She’s kind and warm.
~She doesn’t drive so there’s no worry about safety there.
She is, indeed, a very nice person. Let’s call her B for Babysitter. Nothing I write here is intended to be insulting or judgmental of her. It’s just me. This is going to be completely random and unedited because I just need to vent. I just got off the phone with my mom bawling and, well, blogging is the next best thing to keeping her on the phone all day until my husband gets home.
I mentioned to B that we want her to be certified in infant/child first aid and CPR and we want to pay for her course because it’s that important to us. She had been thinking about taking it and will be looking for a class. That’s very reassuring. Anxiety point: Shouldn’t everyone who has a child and especially who looks after other people’s children be trained in case of emergency? Should I be the first to require it?
B said that she tries to take the kids down the street to the park at least once a day, often twice, when it’s nice out. I really like that idea. Anxiety point: What if the boy gets hit by a car while walking? (Stupid, I know.)
She has an old school trampoline in her back yard with no net and visible springs. Anxiety point: She has an old school trampoline in her back yard with no net and visible springs.
There are televisions in every room and a video gaming system that a 3 and 5 year old were playing while I was there. Anxiety point: We firmly believe in no TV until at least 1-2 years and prefer play over electronics at all ages. I especially don’t like exposure to commercials and non-educational video and computer games before 5-6 years when we can teach kids to criticize. I can’t control that in someone else’s house.
B has a beautiful cat, as do we, who is not friendly (neither is ours) and nearly bit and scratched the boy a few times today in the hour we were there. Our cat just leaves the room when the kids get close to her. Anxiety point: Any owie when mommy isn’t there is a really bad owie. I want to be there to teach the corresponding lesson.
There are no baby gates and she doesn’t own one. She said we could bring one for her that she would move from floor to floor so the boy doesn’t fall down the stairs. Anxiety point: A babysitter should have secure gates, if only to avoid liability. He’s already learning to go up stairs. Before he goes there, he may be able to do it without falling and maybe even go down. How long does that take to learn? What’s the best way to teach going down and not leaning back to look around when going up?
I want the boy to be with someone who loves him. Adores him even. Not just someone who likes him.
I want that person to be me, but we can’t afford for me not to work. I have huge student loans. We have a mortgage (small house – not extravagant), health benefit plan bills to pay and, well, we need to eat.
I have an awesome job that I love. Second best job in the world. I never thought I’d dread going back, but I am. It’ll be awesome once our kids are in school. We’ll travel both ways together and have lunch together every day.
I work in the one profession that the more experience you have and the better you get, the less in demand you are. With 5 years experience, I’m already too expensive to be re-hired if I quit for a few years. My career would be over. I could sub, but that’s it. No pension and no benefits. Which are the main reason I have to work to begin with.
Those of you who stay home, how have you ensured that your pension/retirement income is secure and that you have complete health insurance on only one salary?
My dream job would be to run my own educational dayhome where the care would be up to my standards and therefore surpass the standards of most people. I’m sure I could charge more than others because of my credentials. After all, their kids would have a certified teacher specializing in early literacy and who is extremely clean, careful, anal retentive and health-conscious caring for them all day. But – no health plan, no pension, no sick leave…the list goes on.
I have a little time to get used to the thought of working again. We think we can swing me staying home until September when he would be just over 16 months old.
My heart hurts at the thought of leaving him.
Notice the new category for this post: Not me. I suppose that’s the problem. Nobody else will ever be good enough.
January 25th, 2007 at 7:39 pm
You poor, poor thing. My heard breaks for you! Megan loves being home with Finn and enjoys the fact that she can do exactly what you’re describing here. I think the best advice you’ll get will be from parents who’ve been through what you’re going through – which you already know, of course. With so much anxiety around this babysitter in particular, who I’m sure is great, perhaps you should keep your feelers out… I’m a firm believer in the feeling you get – you should feel it’s the right place. If you’re questioning it, keep investigating your options. Keep your faith intact that all will work out as it should.
Rylan is sooooo lucky to have you both. 
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January 25th, 2007 at 7:40 pm
Obviously, it’s my “heart” that breaks for you… not my “heard”.
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January 25th, 2007 at 9:48 pm
I can only imagine the pain! HUGS!!! It is really hard to be a stay at home mom. The financial sacrifices are totally huge. We have one car we share that is a 98, J walks to work so I can have the freedom to take Becca out. We live in an area that is not as good as we could afford so that he can walk. We negotiated healthcare for the family and will continue to do so in the future. Healthcare in Canada is much cheaper and it will be easier once we come home. We have strict financial goals that we stick to, even when it is hard. I shop around a lot for groceries, I walk to the store, we used cloth diapers and will again. We freecycle, we ration and we conserve and watch how much we consume. There are many (if not most) people that could not choose to live the way we do.
We do it for Becca and for the little baby boy we are going to have. I cannot leave her (or him when he comes), I just cannot. HOWEVER … you will find the right babysitter for Rylan at the right time….You are an amazing teacher and mother and all of this will work out. I wish we were still there because I would take him in a heartbeat! Although the tv is one for an hour or so a day around here *wink*
Hang in there and keep looking for the right fit for you …. the right caregiver is out there …. Are there any montasori daycares there?
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January 25th, 2007 at 10:03 pm
Oh hun! I hope you are able to find comfort and peace with whatever decision you choose! Good Luck!
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January 26th, 2007 at 1:25 am
I’m extremely paranoid who watches over my little guy, so I choose to stay at home with him. It’s financially tight around here sometimes; I do bring in a little income to help John out, but some times during the year, it gets rocky.
I’m extremely frugal. We buy meat in bulk from a butcher once every three months, get veggies for practically pennies from the local produce stand, and make my own environmentally friendly–got some ideas from one of your previous posts–cleaning products.
All your fears are valid about your little one, and my heart goes out to you.
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January 26th, 2007 at 9:50 am
okay, deep breath.
i was right there with you about five months ago.
all of these thoughts are natural. very natural. freaking out is even natural.. yes, i think you might be freaking just a lil bit.
i don’t even want to remember all of the wicked thoughts i had about leaving her. it was awful. AWFUL. i cried every day – in the shower – at every meal.
eventually, it lessened. and now i appreciate our routine and the balance.
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January 26th, 2007 at 11:45 am
I feel your pain. I went back to work in October when my daughter was 12 weeks old. We also chose an in-home caregiver based on the recommendation of a close friend whose daughter was also still being cared for in that home. We thought it would be nice to have the girls together, plus we trusted this recommendation. We felt good about our decision.
Then Avery started going there. We noticed that whenever we would drop in to get her she was always in her pumpkin seat. No matter what time we went in. And we started to see a bald spot forming in the back of her head! I told the caregiver that I wanted Avery on the floor–I had even been bringing a playmat that she loved so she would be entertained–and the woman told me that it was better for her to be in her pumpkin seat. We had also had Avery sleeping through the night in her own crib at around 8 weeks so we told our caregiver that we wanted all of Avery’s naps to happen in the crib. When I would get her should would sometimes be asleep in the pumpkin seat. arg! Not good. I started to feel uncomfortable about not knowing what was going on around there and not having other people around to hold each other accountable (like in a daycare setting). We changed to a daycare after about 5 weeks and we absolutely love where she goes now.
As a result, we all sleep better, I never cry about her daycare situation like I did with the home care provider, Avery gets the socialization with kids and is never ever in her pumpkin seat, and her “teachers” at daycare just love her–you can totally tell. She loves them, too.
My point in all this is to tell you that if you have concerns about this daycare provider–even if she comes highly recommended–look around for something else. You might find that it works out ok and you feel good about the situation. That would be great. But if you feel at all uncomfortable, that is your mother’s instinct telling you to find something else.
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January 26th, 2007 at 3:36 pm
Very hard decision. I’m lucky that my hubby has a job that has health insurance and pays enough to let me stay home. I’m doing all I can to make sure I can stay home, do all the cooking/cleaning, cutting out coupons, vacations are usually nearby road trips. I thought about doing the substitute thing, but soon realized, it wouldn’t pay for the daycare needed for the kids, sad but true.
Good luck with your decision. If I were you, I’d still be looking for other care facilities for my child, the one you discussed doesn’t sound exactly safe. Surely there are other teachers or parents at your school who can recommend someone.
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January 26th, 2007 at 4:22 pm
You’re right – nobody else WILL be good enough because you’re his mom. I think no matter where you take him you’ll find something that you don’t like or that you would do differently, just because, you’re the mom.
I know I’m very fortunate and extremely lucky to be able to afford to stay home. Retirement-wise I used to work in civil service for the government so I had a matching 401K-type plan. I paid in to that as long as I worked and had matching contributions from the government (Joe has this now as well, although no matching for active duty military members). Before I became pg we worked towards paying off all our bills, after that was done, and I was pg I put my paychecks in savings so we could a) build up a savings acct, and b) get used to live off his salary. I don’t have to worry about health insurance because we have that through the military – even after Joe retires we’ll still have it (we’ll have to pay monthly then, but I’m sure it’ll be ok).
I know this didn’t really help your situation, but asked how SAHMs do it and this is what happened in our situation. As I said, I know I’m blessed.
Could you tell B that you don’t want Rylan on the trampoline, or to watch TV, can’t you make those stipulations as you are his mother?
I hope this all works out for you!
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January 26th, 2007 at 6:51 pm
I think your heart is telling you that maybe “B’ isn’t the one. Some of those points you mentioned would be deal breakers for me. As you still have time perhaps you could keep looking around. AS others have said no one will be you and thus all will have faults. You have to decide which faults are acceptable and which ones are not. Just a thought…any chance you could put the student loans on your mortagage to help with the finances?
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January 26th, 2007 at 7:11 pm
You know what … you can always change your mind. You would be poor for a little while … maybe have to put off buying a new house for a couple of years … but you could do it if you HAD to.
But, I don’t think you’ll HAVE to. Make sure she has a baby gate and make sure that there aren’t any poisonous breakables within his reach and he’ll be fine.
Also, your dayhome idea is terrific. I would totally look into it. There are a TON of people who are looking for quality daycare, because there really isn’t anything out there!
Good Luck!
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January 26th, 2007 at 9:37 pm
I don’t have any advice for you but felt compelled to comment after reading your post. Everything you are feeling is natural and normal. Follow your heart and instincts and everything always finds a way to work out. I too was a teacher who decided to give it up and be SAHM. Fortunately for me, my husband has good insurance and retirement options (to answer your question on how we do it). Otherwise we are very frugal with spending. I wish you luck.
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January 26th, 2007 at 10:09 pm
With our son’s heart condition (even though it is considered repaired) the only insurance we can recieve is that through my hubands work, so when looking for a job we have to be sure they offer good family benefits, or at least the possibility to purchase a family plan, etc. I stay home and it is a struggle, but I teach piano lessons on the side. Even though I don’t have health benefits and all that, we have it through his work, and the extra money goes a long way to help. We also try to put a certain ammount aside every month in a seperate savings account to save for retirement, etc. It’s not much, but we’ll get there eventually. I would look into that dayhome idea as well, there’s no harm in at least researching the idea, and seeing if it is possible.
You are right in saying that noone besides you will ever be good enough, you’re the momma!
I wish you luck with your tough descision. Hugs.
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January 27th, 2007 at 7:52 am
You can do something about the CPR training, obviously, and the babygates, etc. You probably wont be able to change the TV / video gaming usage. I would look for a different situation. Preferably one where the caregiver has some education in early childhood care, etc. You need more than a babysitter, you need full time daycare. It may cost more. It may cost a lot. But you’ll be glad you did it.
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January 27th, 2007 at 3:42 pm
Oh God– I could have written this post. I am a teacher as well. So is my husband. Great for when they kids are in school- not great for when they are little because well, on teacher salaries, we can’t afford to have one of us stay home full time.
This been a MAJOR source of anxiety for me as well. We found a babysitter…and while she is kind, caring, loving, and highly recommended– there are things about her, like you listed, that bother me a little.
Fact is, no one will take as good of care of our little ones as we would, or think we would. So, i think we could find fault in just about anyone.
Madelyn will start day care April 16. ugh.
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January 29th, 2007 at 10:59 am
Definitely sounds like you need to continue the babysitter search. I have a friend who is a childcare provider in Canada. Be careful to check regulations- she’s licensed and apparently she is only allowed to charge a certain amount per child per day regardless of the activities she provides.
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