Is a balanced account good enough for you?
I’ve been thinking about something lately and reading Deb’s post this afternoon inspired me to type it out just to get it firmly implanted in my head.
I don’t lose my temper often, but when I’m tired or hungry or busy I tend to get a little quite cranky. I try hard not to let my children (or any children) see this side of me and for the most part I’m successful. For some reason, I think most of us succeed more at things like this in public. My students at school have rarely if ever seen my cranky side. But why on earth would it be okay for my own children who rely on my husband and me for their every need to see this side?
I’m a very patient person but the times that I have gotten frustrated with my son and pulled or pushed him (a little too roughly, in my opinion) away from something (like the fireplace or computer) he has gotten a deflated look on his face that I can’t forget. It lasts only a few seconds and I always hug him after and explain as best I can to an under 2 year old why he can’t touch it and then we’re both back to our usual happy selves but I always wish it had never been happened at all. Usually it’s something I could have prevented easily. Maybe by getting off the phone or putting my computer away when he’s awake. I can’t move the fireplace, though. It’s when he’s hungry or tired himself that he gets himself into the most trouble. (Hmmmm, sound familiar?) But I’m the adult so I’m the one that needs to do the right thing for him. Easier said than done sometimes.
Not to be a Debbie Downer, but any of us could drop dead at any second and if I did I’d hate for my children’s final memory of me to be of impatience or of anything but love. When I’m well rested and fed I find it much easier to be conscious of parenting with love. I’m patient and try to use all of the teachable moments I can find to give lessons with love. I discipline with love.
I’d never hit my kids but a raised voice or a rough pull away from an “eyes only” item is probably just as bad.
Each time I praise my children, laugh with my children, have fun with my children or even peacefully co-exist with my children I am making deposits into their bank of self worth. Each time I am not the best mom I can be I am making a withdrawal, and the very thought of withdrawing from a child’s self-worth brings tears to my eyes. It’s not good enough for me that they simply have a positive balance in their account. That’s the bare minimum and I’m not a bare minimum kind of person. My goal is to make every interaction a deposit, even if it involves discipline.
That’s one of the things I remember about my mom from my growing up years (she’s still setting those examples as a grandma and her own mother was the same) and I will continue the cycle of love and positive parenting to the best of my ability. It’s a lofty goal, but I think I can do it.
February 14th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
That’s exactly why we put Sierra in daycare 2 days awake, so I could get the rest I need and so she’ll hopefully never see the impatient overtired side of me.
February 14th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Ditto on all fronts.
Nobody is perfect lady, even if we think we’re supposed to be!! 
You’re awesome and an inspiration. This post was a great teaching moment! 
As a teacher (which as you know makes you a part-time parent of these children), I tell everyone that the day I’m no longer trying to be better, making their experiences more positive, then it’s time to stop teaching. We owe it to everyone to be the positive and try our best. Life is too short. I just got invited to brunch with a close friend who lost her husband a few months ago to cancer. He was in his mid-twenties, an athlete and an inspiration. He was a “why not me” kind of guy, who lived life just as you’re speaking of here. There was no negative “why me” thinking and he left behind a legacy. That’s what we should all strive to do.
Kudos to you. We’re on the same page. You’re doing a fantastic job from everything I read and hear. Those little “tough love” moments are sometimes necessary and every great parent feels guilt after one of those. But, as you said, you’re both smiling soon after and it’s forgotten. Not by you unfortunately, as you’re the mommy who loves with all your soul and wants every moment to be perfect! LIFE doesn’t often allow perfection, although it is pretty perfect, we just have to look at it a bit differently. Keep doing your best and it will continue to be mostly coming up roses.
February 14th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
Completely off topic…
My little Skye girl, the youngest and smallest of my kitty babies… she doesn’t much enjoy being brushed, but I get her when I can, she’s got long hair and constant hairballs… have tried EVERYTHING (I think)… she hates the taste of the malt stuff I bought to put on her paws. Geez, talk about frustration for her! Any tips fur baby moms or dads?
February 14th, 2008 at 7:13 pm
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Finn called and told me “Happy Motorcycle Day!” Typical 3-year-old… loves his cars and trucks… and I guess motorcycles.
February 15th, 2008 at 5:29 am
First of all, you’re an awesome mom, person, and teacher. You’re doing all the right things–your little guy and girl just radiate love and happiness in all their pictures.
I’ve been where you are many, many times before, and felt exactly the same way.
February 16th, 2008 at 11:27 am
i get frustrated, too. then i realize my son is learning. and even his little tantrums are him going through a learning process. and disciplining him is not the opposite of showing love. it IS showing love, because with it, he will learn boundaries and respect. and those qualities will take him far in life. anyway, i basically just agree with you!
February 16th, 2008 at 9:11 pm
I feel the same way about working with kids and then coming home to more kids. And now that my son is close to the age of kids I work with (4yrs) I find it even hard to keep my cool at home. Sometimes, I tell my husband before I walk in the door, “I used up a lot of patience today - I’m going to need your help.” Sometime a big hug from him and some chocolate helps me get through the evening with the boys at home.
February 18th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
I have to remind myself that I am her guide, my reaction with be the basis for her reaction. I think being in public or being with other people’s children is easier, because the emotion we have for our children is absent.
We strive to be the best we can be so that our children can be the best they can be.