Dear Primo,

Go the heck to sleep, okay? You have a very expensive and lovely brand new double mattress all to yourself. I wish it had bars, but sadly it doesn’t. Just imagine they’re there and go to sleep, would you? Please, for the love of all that is sane. You’re cranky and your mommy needs a break.

Love, Mommy
xoxo

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Dear Bella,

Thank you so much for being such an easy baby while we deal with your brother’s teething and sleeping issues. You make me want a hundred babies. I keep reminding myself that your brother made me feel that way too, until the teeth. I hope you don’t feel ignored because he takes so much attention.

Love, Mommy
xoxo

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To the bitch working at the smoothie store in the mall,

You are a big fat hairy bitch and I’m so glad I made you give me my money back and wasted your chicken and your smoothie. You can suck my butt. I hope your smug attitude was worth the business you’re going to lose when I tell all of my friends and colleagues about your poor customer service.

From, The Customer Who is Truly Always Right

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To my big white puppy,

QUIT peeing in the house already. If you’d pee when you go outside instead of barking at every blade of grass that moves in the park necessitating the bringing in of yourself, you wouldn’t still have to go when you get in. Moron.

Love, Your two legged mama who loves you but hates cleaning up pee

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To my sweet husband,

Thanks for spending your lunch break today trying to get Primo to nap. You’re in there right now and, whether it works or not, I appreciate even this small break and your effort. You’re a great daddy!

I love you much!
Your tired wife

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There’s more, but I need to use the rest of this break to make a reward calendar for staying in bed without screaming.